3 Ways to Deal with Jealousy
Kate thought Sylvie had it all. Blonde good looks to her own rather homely appearance, a loud, extrovertish confidence to her own life-long self-doubt, and lately, a pay packet far higher than her own.
Kate’s dilemma
What especially made Kate mad was a sense of lost opportunity. Kathy knew herself to be way more intelligent than Sylvie – she had the grades to prove it. She was even a much better human being -- she spent her Saturdays teaching kids at the neighborhood shelter where Sylvie spent hers sipping martinis with even “cooler” friends.
On the one hand, Kate thought she was being childish mulling over jealousy issues she thought should have been buried at high school. But on the other, a feeling of injustice followed her every single day. If only she had parents who loved her more, if only she were prettier, if only she had been given half the chances that Sylvie had probably received, she would have been in a much better place today!
That familiar feeling
All of us have, at some point in life, felt an unpleasant twinge of envy for someone we perceived to be luckier than us. While a lot of times, the feeling passes away quickly enough, sometimes the envy for a particular person can persist, especially if you have to meet the person every day, like at home, in class, or at your workplace. This long-duration envy can be a very unhealthy thing if it goes unattended by the person experiencing it. Consider: envy clouds your judgment, hits your self esteem, makes you take decisions that may not be the best, and leads to you saying things about someone that may not only be completely untrue, but also extremely hurtful. Envy is therefore best nipped in the bud.
How to get rid of jealousy:
1. Focus on yourself more.
Being jealous means you are basing your sense of self around someone else (“she’s so pretty”/”he’s wealthy enough to employ me”). Instead, focus on yourself. Take stock of what your plus points and minus points are. Work on enhancing your plus points and keeping your minuses to a minimum.
- Be proactive.
o Get that degree or that certification that you know will help your career.
o Groom yourself. For women, if your body type is thin where you want to be voluptuous, wear trendy clothing that brings about the best in your athletic built. If it’s the reverse, wear clothes that flatter your fuller body. For men too, smarter dressing and exercising can change you from slouch to suave. Plenty of websites can offer advice on the best way to dress and groom yourself.
o Work around your minuses. If you know you aren’t the best talker in town, work on your speaking skills. Avoid trying to be the life of the party when you can’t. You can have a magnetic presence even without being very talkative, if you say things with a cool confidence and a sense of security.
- Believe in the abundance theory. There really is enough in the world for you and everybody else. If you don’t believe that, look at all the people around you who are working hard to find or create opportunities for themselves. Sooner or later, these hard working people will “suddenly” have made it.
Most of the time, the so-called perfect life of someone is perfect only in our own heads. The person you are envious of may actually have a life far worse than yours. A lot of people keep a façade of cheer and strength that wears off just after they reach home and can be themselves!
3. Befriend the person who rouses your feelings of envy.
A lot of times, being jealous of someone can make dealing with that person very difficult. One then starts avoiding such a person. But this may not always be possible, and even if is, it may not be the best possible thing. Instead, if you try to get to know the “person” behind the so-called paragon, with their hopes and flaws and fears, you may not only find it easier to get along with them, but you may even surprise yourself and find your feelings of envy replaced instead with admiration of the person and sympathy for their vulnerability.
How to Stand Up to Bullying
Jason was a hard working employee in a huge office. Jason generally kept to himself. He’d been happy enough in his workplace until he was transferred to a new team. The learning needed for the new work, combined with dealing with a large new team, subdued the already quiet Jason even more until he began fearing talking to people and fumbled for words. He soon became the favorite target of team jokes, particularly those from Pete, a cynical hardened employee who seemed to take particular pleasure in tormenting Jason.
While Jason’s bullying could have been brought on by a change in environment, the same wasn’t true for Kathy, an eleven year old who had always lived in the same neighborhood as the girl gang that had begun bullying her. What was especially painful for Kathy was that Linda, who had been her friend since childhood, had now moved over to the “side” of the girls who bullied her. Kathy avoided the girls whenever she could, but was forced to travel with them in the school bus and study with them in the same class. Things came to a head when Kathy started dreading going to school at all. Her busy parents, who only saw she hated going to school but did not know the reason, finally took her to a therapist who managed to get Kathy talking about her actual fears. She counseled Kathy and over a period of time, things got much better for her.
Causes of bullying
As we’ve seen, it’s not just kids or teens that get bullied, but even adults. More often than not, it is the quiet, sensitive child or adult who becomes the target of bullying. But what could be the reason for bullying?
3 Tips to handle bullies
1. Show no fear!
While it may seem that it is easier said than done, the best way to deal with bullying may be to show no fear and stand up for yourself. Here are a few tips to appear braver than you feel!
2. Make a few friends!
Everybody needs a few people they can talk to, whether young or old. These are the people to whom you can say most anything, without fear of being judged or humiliated. Even having a couple of such people in your life can make a big difference. While you don’t have to behave unnaturally or overly familiar or friendly to make friends, you could try being more open to forming natural friendships.
3. Love yourself!
Finally, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. If you feel you lack some much-needed self-love, you need to take stock of things and find activities that will help you inculcate a sense of achievement and pride in yourself. A little bit of introspection and some trial-and-error should help you find out what these things are. It could be helping out at a shelter, or it could be working a summer job.
At the end of the day, be patient and tolerant with yourself. Yes, you are a precious human being who deserves to be respected. If a bully is taking away your basic sense of self-respect, it’s time to come out of your shell and take better care of yourself now!